ANOTHER VERY SECRET PLACE TO ARGUE
by oh.holy.martel
Summary: The very secret online diaries of the Marauder-era. James will never be allowed to forget the INCIDENT. Lily may never find out what it was. Sirius is actually attempting to preserve his virginity. We learn the woes of Snape's complexion. L/J. Mild themes
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Here it starts … all twenty pages. On Word, that is. **

**The concept: there are so many HP blogs + journals, and most of them are pretty darn funny. But all of the Marauder fics have Lily a bit TOO screechy/angsty, James with too much sleaziness/problems, WAY too much angst … well, I thought it would be fun if we saw where Harry got his diary quirks. If I ever finish this one, or maybe not, I might do a canon HP one.**

**But the idea for this was too good to pass up. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: Hedwig, do I own the Hary Potter books?**

**Hedwig: "…"**

**Norbert?**

**Norbert: "…"**

**Fluffu?**

**Fluffy: "Grrr…"**

**Sorry, FLUFFY?**

**Fluffy: "Ruff ruff oo …"**

**Um. Moving on. Fang?**

**Fang: "(lick)(slobber)(lick)"**

**Ooooo-kay then. Pidwidgeon?**

**Pig: "(nip)"**

**Ow! Nasty little thing – um, Boggart?**

**Boggart/Mother: "What are you doing on that thing, young lady?! Didn't I tell you to put away your clothes?! And you'd better not even THINK of going anywhere without washing the dishes!"**

**Never dream of it, Mother. Glad you aren't actually here now. Grawp?**

**Grawp: "ME WANT HERMY! SQUISHY CRISH CRUSH!"**

**Well, then. I leave you with these expert opinions to decide for yourself.**

**Enjoy, please.**

**--**

**JAMES POTTER'S VERY SECRET ONLINE DIARY**

Well, I'm back in Hogwarts! Second year RULES! So fun terrorizing the ickle firsties!

And I'm back with my beloved Lilykins! How I have missed you... wanna go out? If you're nervous, we can take it slow…

Rissa: Please forgive me. Pretty please. PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'VE BEEN LANGUISHING ALL SUMMER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It was an accident! How was I to know you'd walk in then! It could have happened to anyone!

And please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, don't tell anyone.

I am BEGGING you.

--

_**Comments Posted:**_

James: You can't. EVER. Remove. The image. From my retinas.

It is BURNED there, James. BURNED. And I won't tell her … YET.

Rissa

C'mon, Rissa! It was only one time! I was in my room with the door closed! Just let it go!

James

You sounded like you were fighting off a Lethifold! And your mother sent me up to CHECK on you! She was CONCERNED!

Rissa

WELL EXCUSE ME FOR BEING NORMAL!

James

Am I missing something here? Y'know, like the start of an argument or something …

Sirius

We all are, Sirius. For once, you are not alone.

Remus

What's THAT supposed to mean?

Sirius

Oh, nothing.

Remus

Liar.

Remus

Hi, Remus, Sirius. James, no, I won't go out with you. By the way, what are you two TALKING about? Rissa?

Lily

Doesn't matter … really … hehe … Rissa, I am BEGGING you …

Please … and Lily, why WON'T you go out with me?

James

Because you're an arrogant git and I'm too young to date. Now TELL me, Rissa!

Lily

James is right, it doesn't really matter. Hi, Remus, Sirius! Peter! How were your summers? And where is Kailinn?

Rissa

Why does everyone always say HIS name first? I'M your one true love!

Sirius

I'm here, Rissa. Well, here as in the second-floor broom closet, nyway. Srry abut the spelling errors, hrd 2 tupe when he's – ummmmmmmmmmmmmmm…. Never mind. My summer was great.

Kailinn

Sirius, we say his name first because R is before S in the alphabet and he's a lot nicer. And actually intelligent. And no one you were talking to is your one true love.

Rissa

YOU are! And I am too intelligent!

Sirius

Am narrowly resisting the gag reflex … feels almost as bad as the INCIDENT …

Rissa

Trust you to bring that up. WHY WON'T YOU FORGIVE ME?????? And, Lily, that's why I said we'd take it slow. Pretty please?

James

WHAT does he want you to forgive him FOR????? And I said NO, Potter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lily

Hey, didn't anyone want to know about my summer.

Kailinn

Fine, then. What did you do?

Remus

Well, I started with the boy next door …

Kailinn

I said WHAT, not WHO … sheesh …

Remus

I'm not into THAT, silly!

Kailinn

Why is she our friend again?

Rissa

I don't know … POTTER, STOP LOOKING OVER MY SHOULDER!!!!

Lily

I was just making sure that Rissa wasn't secretly telling you … and checking for signs of your undying devotion …

James

WHY, YOU LITTLE-

**Comment Quota Reached**

**An Account of My Days at Hogwarts**

I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter.

As you can see, I really, really hate James Potter. It's only the first day back at school and I am already once again irrevocably ANGRY at him.

He pulled a giant prank on the first years, even though last year he was one himself! AND refused to let me talk to Rissa on the train!

That reminds me, I need to find out what sort of secret they're keeping … c'mon, Rissa, tell me! You don't care about him anyway!

In other news, am now official journalist on _Corridors, _Hogwart's newspaper, along with Rissa, even though Kailinn got the Junior Editor position .... I swear she's been shagging the Head Boy on the side.

My summer was great. My parents took me everywhere. I didn't see James or any of his idiot friends all summer (sorry Remus). I even got to take Rissa to the beach. It's too bad Petunia's such a bitch.

And no, James Potter, again, I will NOT GO OUT WITH YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

--

_**Comments Posted:**_

Aw, man! C'mon, Lily, I'm not that bad … did you type those all out yourself? Maybe if you changed the hate to 'love' or even 'passionately adore' …

James

NO.

Lily

Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease? And you really don't need to keep asking about the whole secret thing. Seriously. It's nothing important.

James

Maybe I should just TELL her then, if it's so unimportant.

Rissa

NO!!!!!! NO!!!!!!!! I'LL DO ANYTHING, I SWEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

James

Then don't make light of my mental scarring. For starters.

Rissa

DON'T SIDE WITH HIM! TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON!

Lily

It's for your own good that I don't. I know you well.

Rissa

Rissa …. Great person … Kind person … caring person …. Wonderful person …

James

Ugh … c'mon, Rissa, let's go down to dinner. Hopefully Potter will stay upstairs in his dorm and play a nice game of computer Solitaire.

Lily

Solitaire? What's that? And why don't you want me near you?

James

A Muggle game, like Exploding Snap. And I should think it would be obvious.

Lily

But it isn't.

James

BOYS.

Lily

What about us?

James

Lily?

James

It's been five minutes, Lils.

James

Ten.

James

Twenty.

James

Twenty-five.

James

WHY WON'T YOU ANSWER ME??? DID I DO SOMETHING WRONG?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

James

Come on, James, back away from the computer … down to dinner now, nice and easy …

Sirius

Quick, get the mouse away from him! NO, JAMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Remus

**The Diary of the MOST AMAZING PERSON IN HOGWARTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

Who, in case you don't already know, is _**I**_, the wonderful and amazing, the Sirius! The brightest star!

And my middle name's Orion, for the Hunter. As I most certainly am.

Anyway, well, summer … sucked. Badly. I absolutely HATE my parents, who were their usual pure-blooded selves. And my brother, the slimy little git. Kind of like Snape in that way, but of course much better-looking. Is a Black, after all. Is going to start Hogwarts next year. Mum's expressly forbid me to have anything to do with him, for fear he might be tainted by association.

As if. Someone tainted by association with SIRIUS BLACK?????? As if!

See what a horrible summer I've had, Rissa? Are you sure this doesn't qualify me for a kiss?

Post-dinner, but I'm still a bit peckish (the welcoming feast was a bit on the lean side this year, if you ask me) and so I'm going to sneak down to the kitchens. James, Remus, Rissa … I'm open to company …

_**Comments Posted:**_

You should come stay with me next summer! It'll be great! I'd love to come; mind if we invite Lily?

James

Not at all. Just keep all snogging in corners and shadowed hallways.

Sirius

You two are sick. And Rissa wants me to tell you that she's not kissing you or going. Unless it's off a cliff when you and the cliff are the only two options. That's a good one, Rissa. I should use that on James.

Lily

What's THAT supposed to mean??

James

That, if she were going to choose between imminent and painful death and the safety of your arms, she would freely choose death and hurl herself off the towering cliff.

Rissa

That's not true!

James

And I now get it and am totally offended! James, weren't we going down to the kitchen?

Sirius

Yes.

James

**The Dissertations of the Half-Blood Prince**

Classes pathetically easy, as usual. Lorded it over my classmates. Potter and Black hexed me and shoved me in a bin. Lucius saw and gave them both a month's detention.

Go me. And Lily, please stop. It's getting embarrassing.

Thank you, Lucius. I'll be happy to join that new "Defense" group.

Nasty Black set the whole horde of Vridlups on me in Care of Magical Creatures, which has given me nasty greasy black hair and unsightly blemished skin that's an unpleasant shade of yellow. Bitch Rissa laughed and refused to catch them. Madam Pomfrey's sure it will wear off eventually.

Tomorrow's Defense Against the Dark Arts. My favorite class. Professor Tybauld really knows how to get inside the subject.

School Status: Perfect

Marauder Status: Great

"Socializing" Status: Again, Great

_**Comments Posted:**_

I'm glad you're interested. Just hope that skin condition clears up. Y'know, before we get into anything too "serious."

Lucius

It was like that already, Snivellus, Lukewarm. Apparently you were too busy shagging to notice. And we KNOW about your crush on the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. Call Rissa a bitch again and you'll have more than greasy skin to worry about.

Sirius

I'm so glad my efforts are appreciated.

Lily

If you speak to my Lilykins like that again you're dead, detention or no.

James

I'M NOT YOUR LILYKINS!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I've told you and TOLD you to stop PICKING ON HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lily

He asked for it! I'm only defending you!

James

Lily wants me to tell you that if she had to throw herself on the mercy of You-Know-Who or rely on YOUR defense, she would throw herself at the Dark Lord with arms outstretched. Wearing raunchy lingerie. Same goes for you, Sirius.

Rissa

WHAT?!?!?!

James

WHY?!?!?!?!?!

Sirius

GET OFF OF MY DIARY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Severus

Manly, Snivellus, very manly.

James

THAT'S WHAT YOU CALL YOURS!!!!!!!!!!

Severus

**Thoughts of the "Smart One"**

You'd think for such a smart person last year I could have thought of a better title. Huh. Well, anyway,

Summer was fine.

Classes are nice.

Friends are great.

Or at the very least interesting.

_**Comments Posted: **_

INTERESTING?!?!?!? WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "INTERESTING"?!?!?!?!?! I FOR ONE AM SPECTACULARLY STUNNING!!!!!!!

Sirius

So said from the prisoner to the guard. Who was more involved in playing poker. Love you too, Remus.

Rissa

Thanks.

Remus

I love you, Rissa, but sometimes you absolutely make no sense.

Sirius

She makes perfect sense!

Lily

You just don't get it, Sirius.

Remus

**The Very Secret Diary of Hogwart's Most Cosmopolitan Girl**

Or second-year girl, anyway, but whatever.

I had an amazing summer. I did a lot of things. All the boys from ages 25-13 in my neighborhood, for starters. And the really cute waiters/lifeguards on vacation.

OF course, kept in correspondence with various Hogwarts beaus …

Lips now experts. As are other parts of the body. Shagging is FAR better than reading books, no matter what Lily and Rissa say.

I mean, seriously …

_**Comments Posted:**_

No, it's not.

Lily

It isn't. That's the correct grammatical term.

Rissa

Hey, Kailinn, if you're free right now I have something better to do than listen to your best friends rag on you …

Richard

Already there!

- Kailinn

**Rissa's Fragmented Recollections After … The INCIDENT**

Well, the second day of school has passed. The Slytherins acquired fluorescent pimples. We all found out that Severus Snape's middle name was "Tobias" and called him "Toby" all day. Sirius enchanted him a dog collar and asked him to go fetch his books. He called him a mangy cur and said he should whelp with that stuck-up blood-traitor bitch or, excuse him, go have a little more "outdoor time" with Potter.

I swear, Lily, I don't know what you see in him. Anyway, he got hit with some rather nasty curses from the Gryffindor table and is still shut up in the hospital wing. Sirius and James, I heard, sent him a present.

Had a nice summer. Until, that is, the INCIDENT. From which I shall NEVER recover.

I'm already top in half of my classes. Lily took the others. Go us. As well as our promotions!!!!!!!!!

Caught Kailinn behind the armor on the third floor before breakfast. Caught her in the Charms Corridor after first. Caught her in our dormitory after lunch.

I'm pretty sure there's diseases you can get, honey.

_**Comments Posted:**_

You didn't tell them what the present was! They're going to think we were being nice to him!

Sirius

I doubt it, Sirius. Anyway, for the record: It was a dog collar with 'Snivellus Toby' on it, mixed with a few Acid Pops Sirius had lying around and some face cream. That good enough for you?

James

But you didn't tell them what the face cream did!

Sirius

FINE. It clogs his pores and inflames his zits. We were working on the other side effect, but unfortunately we couldn't find a way to stop it from making his hands stain anything they touched after using it.

James

Why would we want to?

Sirius

You two are bloody cruel.

Lily

HEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT DO YOU MEAN, DISEASES?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Kailinn

Well, I suppose you haven't yet taken Muggle studies … out of curiosity, have you had your period yet?

Rissa

Why?

Kailinn

Well, there are some things ….

Rissa

**The Very Secret Diary of Hogwart's Most Cosmopolitan Girl**

Nononononononono …

I can't believe … all … THAT … happens … when …

Will never go near a boy again.

Get AWAY from me, Trayson!

_**Comments Posted:**_

Come on! You said you were up for it!

Zachariah

That was BEFORE!!!!

Kailinn

**The Dissertations of the Half-Blood Prince**

It is my third day back and I am already typing this from the hospital wing. I say third because it is now past midnight, since I can't bloody SLEEP, because of the painful things I've had to take to counteract the equally painful curses I've been subjected to. A lot of the effects have combined with each other in ways neither I, the Headmaster, the Potions Master, or the nurse know how to combat.

Bloody Gryffindors.

I swear the Headmaster was lying. Bloody fool. Probably laughing his head off.

And the Marauders didn't even get a detention. Because I "provoked" them. I'm not allowed extracurricular activities for a month.

I'm no longer first in all of the Slytherin/Gryffindor classes.

Life sucks.

_**Comments Posted:**_

No extracurricular activities for a month? Are you positive?

Lucius

Well, if you could find a way to get into my detentionts …

Severus

**The Diary of the MOST AMAZING PERSON IN HOGWARTS!!!!!!!!**

That's still me, in case you were wondering.

And we pranked Snivelly! Go us! For the third time already this year!

He deserved it, the bloody git, for what he dared to call Rissa.

Anyway, I was just staying up late thinking and … of course doing nothing suspicious at all … under the light of the beautiful full moon, when I had this sudden epiphany!

You know how James always asks Lily out? Well … she doesn't like that! And Rissa never listens to me when I tell her I love her! So maybe they just think we're not being serious, right? So we should pledge something to make them think we're really serious!

Really Sirius. Heh heh.

Anyway, I, Sirius Orion Black, pledge to save my virginity for Rissa and only her! I'll love you forever!

Great Idea, huh?

_**Comments Posted: **_

I can't believe I thought it was a good idea to check the computer before breakfast. I am now completely nauseated … at the thought of us EVER having sex. That's another one on the list. Merlin, I am disturbed …

Rissa

C'mon, I'm serious here! And that's just plain mean! I think it's a great idea!

Sirius

I resent you implying that I have no chance of success with Lily, Sirius! Although … do you think something like this would work for me?

James

NO, Potter. It bloody wouldn't.

Lily

His didn't.

Rissa

Anyway, Sirius, how are you going to know what to do if you're still a virgin in five years or something?

Remus

I'd be willing to help you out with that …

Marlene

You know, teach you the ropes …

Shannon

No way! I'LL do it!

Ellen

He likes ME best!

Vanessa

Merlin … bloody seventh year girls are hitting on me … GET AWAY FROM ME!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'M SAVING THAT FOR RISSA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sirius

Whew! I escaped.

Sirius

OH, Sirius …

Marie

AUGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU WON'T GET ME ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sirius

**Diary of the Person with the MOST AMAZING FRIENDS EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

I heart you guys!!!!!!!!!!!! Isn't that an awesome expression?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I learned it from Lily, who's so cool and awesoem and stuff!!!!!!!!!!!!

James likes her a lot. But htat's a secret, so don't tell anyone, okay, diary?

I'm in bed but I'm like totally hyper and all over my SUPER AWESOME WONDERFUL AMAZING FRIENDS are asleep right now, so I have no one to talk to. Except you, diary!!!!!!!!!!!!! Except whoever's making that noise …

What noise? Some sorta weird moaning thing. Sounds kinda like "Lily." Maybe he's dreaming.

I'll go check.

Okay, pull awayy th curtain … hrd too typ lik this …

OH MY MERLIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH MY MERLIN, OH MY MERLIN, OH MY MERLIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

James, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

_**Comments Posted:**_

Peter! Stop screaming! It's, um, not what it looks like … really …

James

It's the Incident: Part 2. I bet.

Rissa

James, tell me what that thing is …

Peter

**JAMES POTTER'S VERY SECRET DIARY**

Now someone bloody ELSE found out. IS NOTHING SACRED ANYMORE?!?!?!?!?

Like, say, what a young man does at night or in the middle of the afternoon while alone in the safety of his bed?

Don't answer that question, Rissa. I bloody well know your opinion.

And again, please don't tell anyone.

Quidditch tryouts next week … WOOH HOO!!!!!!!! I'M OLD ENOUGH TO BE ON THE TEAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm sure me and Sirius will clean up at tryouts. Chaser here I come!

Anyway, erm, Lily, reiterating what I said last class, would you please, please, please go out with me?

_**Comments Posted:**_

It's Sirius and I, James. And maybe if you knew my opinion as well as you think you do you'd BLOODY WELL STOP DOING IT.

Rissa

NO, Potter. AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING THAT RISSA WON'T TELL ME ABOUT?!?!?!?!?!

Lily

Nothing … nothing at all …

James

Of course we're going to bloody clean up! It's going to be the best team EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And you can't ignore me forever, Rissa. Sitting right next to me in Potions and looking straight through me when I tried to hand you the ginger root was just plain cruel.

Sirius

Rissa wants me to tell you that she bloody well can. And you'd better tell me, Potter.

Lily

WHY?!?!?!?!?!

Sirius

It's nothing to be concerned about! Just stop asking about it all the time and get off my back!

James

It is perfectly well her business, James Potter, and if you SIRIUS GET OFF THE TABLE! DON'T YOU DARE START SINGING!

Rissa

Um …

Remus

Do you think that would work with Lily?

James

No.

Remus

NO, it most certainly would not.

Lily

It's not working on me, either. SIRIUS, GET DOWN FROM THERE!!!

Rissa

She actually used more than one exclamation mark. I don't think I've ever seen her be incorrect in this way before.

Lily

SIRIUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DON'T YOU DARE FALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'LL –

James

Ouch.

Remus

**The Diary of the MOST AMAZING PERSON IN HOGWARTS!!!!!!!!!**

Well, Pomfrey finally discharged me from the Hospital Wing.

It's about bloody time. I've only got four more days to prepare for practice. And Rissa didn't come to visit. : (

I still love you, Rissa. Don't worry.

Last night pretty much sucked. I was in the infirmary with some first-year kid who'd had his face smushed in and Severus Snape, who has been staying there because Madam Pomfrey believed his deformities were getting worse in the "colder climate." They were, but still, she doesn't have to FIX that.

The entire night he was whining on about the 'Half-Blood Prince' and 'Show them all' and 'I love you, my Lord.' I must say I did NOT want to know the content of Snape's dream-fantasies, thank you very much. Ew, bloody Merlin …

But anyway, so I was going back to the dorm to get my books and be just in time for the last class. Which I consider dinner. Which is when …

BLOODY HELL, James. I DID NOT NEED TO SEE THAT.

Why were you there near the end of the day anyway!?!?!?!?!?! Couldn't you have done it at a self-respecting time at night, like SOME other people I know?!?!?!?!?!

Sheesh. Way to turn a guy of. Almost makes me glad I'm still a virgin.

Of course, Rissa, if you were ever thinking …

Quidditch tryouts in only FOUR MORE DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!

_**Comments Posted:**_

Incident Victim Number 3. And no, Sirius, I will never be thinking.

Rissa

In that way.

Rissa

I'm sorry, Sirius! Is it too much for a guy to have a bit of privacy EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE?!?!?! Have you ever considered that I was there because I THOUGHT NO ONE ELSE WOUL BE!?!?!?!?!?!?!

James

Well … I guess. But why were you doing that anyway?

Sirius

Take a wild shot.

James

Erm … you've been brainwashed by a magnetized ion ray coming from the tummy of Mr. Scruffy?

Sirius

No, Sirius, I didn't actually mean to take a WILD shot … look, come over here for a second and I'll explain …

James

OH.

Sirius

Mental scarring, I tell you.

Rissa

WHAT IN BLAZES IS BLOODY GOING ON?!?!?!?!?!?

**An Account of My Days at Hogwarts**

WHY WON'T ANYONE BLOODY _**TELL**_ ME ANYTHING?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Have to report for first assignment for the paper tomorrow. Rissa, the Senior Editor told me to tell you.

Kailinn, he said that you need to keep doing your "job" (he looked a bit shifty-eyed around here) or he would have to replace you.

And, James, rest assure that I WILL find out what is going on. If it's the last thing I do.

And no, I am not bloody going out with you.

Got a commendation for my Potion today in class …

_**Comments Posted:**_

Why not?!?!?!?! And, seriously, you just need to believe me when I tell you it's not important …

James

Thanks for the update, Lily. It'd be nice if you could also tell Sirius that I do, in fact, have a personal space parameter, and he's been in it for the past six hours. What do you think we'll get for our assignment?

Rissa

Sirius, knock it off and get away from her! There. I have no idea. And I would think it should be fairly obvious, Potter, considering the fact that you're an arrogant git who refuses to TELL me anything.

Lily

You don't want to know. Trust me. Why are you being so mean, Rissa?

Sirius

She wants me to tell you that she'll stop being mean when you stop believing that the little green men who live in the moon are out to get you and the only way to protect yourself at night is to wear spotted AND striped boxers.

Lily

But it's true! And she has no reason to be mean!

Sirius

Rissa, I am not saying that. NO.

Lily

Come on.

Rissa

No.

Lily

Please?

Rissa

NO!!!!!!!!!! I REFUSE TO AND THAT'S FINAL!!!!!!!!!!

Lily

Fine. Sheesh. Where is Kailinn, anyway?

Rissa

Umm … Rissa … could you tell me how to use that one thingy again?

Kailinn

Which one?

Rissa

Um …

Kailinn

I knew it.

Lily

Evans, will you PLEASE go out with me?

James

NOT ON YOUR BLOODY LIFE!!!!!!!!

Lily

**--**

**A/N: Done! I hope the OCs don't suck too much … it's supposed to be a play on how Lily always, ALWAYS has two OC friends and they're this amazing threesome who either are honorary Marauders or hate them and start to prank them back or something. A bit annoying, after a while. **

**Especially when they all have flower names. I sort of stop reading and back away slowly right there. **

**Review always appreciated … especially to nurture my poor, fragile, sheltered little writer's soul on the first chapter of my first Harry Potter fanfic …**

**-N (This name is derived from Death Note and has no relation to my penname or this story or the HP world in general. Please, think no more of it.)**


	2. The INCIDENT Revealed

**A/N: Well, this has taken me a day. And a loss of time to play my new Tales o Vesperia since the return of the repaired Xbox. But that is not the fault of my wonderful reviewers.**

**Thank you very much, by the way. I could do no other thing but dedicate this to all of you.**

**Things I'VE thought of to address: One, they're either 12 or 13 and in second year. They should be thinking about these things (see the INCIDENT). Two, the Marauders have not formed, James and Sirius don't yet know Remus's secret, they haven't given each other those blatantly obvious nicknames, etc., etc. And he hasn't yet started to call her "Evans." The magazines and newspaper are merely there because when I was developing the concept, they sounded humorous enough. The name Hogwarts Confidential is from another Marauder-era story, the first few chapters of which I rather liked. The name stuck in my head.**

**Disclaimer: Today let's go interview some of the teachers with a picture of JK Rowling to see if they can provide some light on the subject …**

**Professor Flitwick? Who do you believe created you, me or this woman? (Holds up picture.)**

**Flitwick: "Eep!" (Tumbles off bookstool.) "W-what do you mean, created?"**

**Never mind, then. How about you, Professor – aHEM – High Inquisitor, Umbridge?**

**Umbridge: "I have no idea what you're implying! And filthy gossip-mongering reporters have no business in this school! I shall go report this to the Ministry at once and have a word with Dumbledore!"**

**Oo-kay. Good luck with getting me kicked out. Professor McGonagall?**

**McGonagall: (Sniffing primly) "I will comment upon no such thing. I don't believe in such preposterous theories. Is this some sort of practical joke? And why aren't you in proper uniform?"**

**No reason at all. Professor Lockhart? Has your memory returned yet?**

**Lockhart: "Memory? What memory? Where is this anyway? Do you want an autograph on that picture? You really should get mine, you know! I'm rather prettier …"**

**I'll keep that in mind. Professor Snape?**

**Snape: "NO. Now get out of my face and out of this school. Dumbledore shall hear of this at once.**

**Well, so he shall. Unfortunately, I don't have enough time at the moment to interview him .. **

**TO BE CONTINUED**

**--**

**The Diary of the MOST AMAZING PERSON IN HOGWARTS!!!!!!!!!!!!**

Today was a bad day. Madam Pomfrey finally caught us (after a week, I might add) sneaking into the hospital wing at night and reapplying some of the hexes and jinxes. He still bloody deserved it, I say. We got a two weeks' worth of detention.

But she's started locking the Hospital Wing door. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET IN IF I GET HURT AT NIGHT AND REQUIRE TREATMENT?!?!?!?!?!?!

Quidditch tryouts to tomorrow … you'd better be there to cheer me on, Rissa. And, Lily, James wants me to ask you the same thing.

Still saving my virginity for you, by the way. I managed to avoid those girls by jumping out of the second-floor window with James' invisibility cloak. Though I thought for sure they would follow my footprints in the snow.

_**Comments Posted:**_

So THAT'S where it went.

James

You shouldn't be out of bed at night in the first place, Mr. Black. I'm sure you're capable of knocking.

Pomona

We DI-ID, Siri … in fact, we're right BEHIND you…

Yvonne

Yum …

Beatrice

YumMY …

Marianna

You bloody bastard.

Severus

Put a can in it, Snivelly. And I TOLD you I'm saving THAT for RISSA!!!!

Sirius

We were just playing …

Lauren

Well, STOP!!!!!

Sirius

**JAMES POTTER'S VERY SECRET DIARY**

QUidditch tryouts tomorrow! Go me! Who cares about Friday classes!

Not to mention our detention tonight … I ALREADY TOLD YOU I CAN'T ATTEND, PROFESSOR!!!!!!!! I NEED THIS TIME TO PRACTICE!!!!!!

And, seriously, Madam Pomfrey, what if someone gets sick or something? For all you know, he could have been having a nightmare and all of us trying to wake him up … why do you get up at that bloody time of night anyway?

I want my Invisibility Cloak back, Sirius. Which, cough cough, used to be a SECRET.

Now what will Lily think?

Coincidentally, Lils, were you thinking of coming to the tryouts tomorrow, by any chance? For emotional support?

And do I get a good-luck kiss? Or will you please go out with me?

Have to think of a new way to get Snivellus back. C'mon, Sirius, stop screaming about seventh-year girls and come over here to help me plan …

_**Comments Posted:**_

I'm just telling them to get bloody OFF me! Maybe a true best friend would help!

Sirius

Remus isn't helping either.

James

He's not even here!

Sirius

Trust me, everyone can hear your screams.

James

Not my fault! HEY! GET AWAY FROM THERE! AUGH!!!!!!!!!

Sirius

I guess I'll be planning by myself, then. Want to help, Lily?

James

I WILL NOT BLOODY HELP YOU HEX SNAPE!!!!!!!!! AND CHEERING YOU ON AT TRYOUTS IS THE ABSOLUTE LAST THING IN THE WORLD I WANT TO DO!!!!!!!!!!

Lily

Um, Lily, perhaps you should recall our first assignment …

Rissa

**An Account of My Days at Hogwarts**

AUGH!!!!!!! Bloody James!

I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter.

And now my bloody wrists hurt.

Why does he have to be so cruel to Severus?!?! Maybe if they just TRIED to get along he wouldn't get in trouble so bloody often!!!!!

Though I'm not forgiving you, Severus, for what you said to Rissa. And you were mean to James and Sirius too.

Well, you had an excuse for that.

You're right, Rissa, I had forgotten – the Quidditch tryouts are our first coverage assignment as Second Year Official Reporters. Apparently it's the best assignment of the first month and a whole bunch of people are jealous. The Senior Editor said that he wanted us to get exclusive interviews with the best prospective team members, as well as the regulars that will be staying on. It's not hard to figure out why he assigned us.

Bloody Potter. Why couldn't he like someone bloody ELSE?!?!?!

Calm down, Lily, calm down. Calm … calm … I hate James Potter, I hate James Potter …

Much better. And yes, Rissa, I am quite positive that I want him to be bloodily and messily fed as a ritual sacrifice to the new Ghost of the Shrieking Shack and miss the Quidditch tryouts. He'd better not come back as a ghost.

And no, in advance, Potter, I will NOT BLOODY GO OUT WITH YOU!!! HOW HARD IS 'I HATE YOU' TO UNDERSTAND?!?!?!

_**Comments Posted:**_

How could I like someone else?!?!?! They wouldn't have as mazing red hair and such a cute frown as you!!!!! And why won't you go out with me? I know you don't hate me, too, so don't use that as an excuse. I'm looking forward to our interview tomorrow. : )

James

Chill, Lily, just remember the mantra. We need to work on the schedule for tomorrow – split the combatants in half. Do you want the team or the tryouts predominately?

Rissa

She wants the tryouts, definitely. And an exclusive with me, of course.

James

GET OFF MY DIARY!!!!!!!!!

Lily

Really, Potter, you shouldn't ignore a woman's wishes like that. It makes you look even more crass than usual. But I suppose it doesn't matter, does it – considering your crush on Evans is only a cover-up for your "intimate relationship" with Black?

Severus

Snivellus, when you get out of the Hospital Wing, I am going to curse you from here to Hell and back for that …

James

Definitely.

Sirius

BE CIVIL TO EACH OTHER OR DON'T POST AT ALL!!!!!! THIS IS _**MY**_ JOURNAL ENTRY!!!!

Lily

I'll take you two imbeciles on any time of the day.

Severus

DON'T YOU DARE POST BACK, POTTER!!!!!! SEVERUS, YOU'D BETTER BEHAVE OR I WILL BLOCK YOU FROM COMMENTING!!!!!

Lily

Wow, you really have him whipped. Of course, with the things he probably whispers into your ears at night …

Snape

**USER BLOCKED. COMMENT DELETED.**

Bloody git.

James

Definitely.

Sirius

Seconded with gusto.

Rissa

Thirded.

Remus

He's such a loser. I don't know what you see in him, Lily.

Kailinn

He's only this bad when he's around Sirius and Potter. I swear I don't know what's gotten into him.

Lily

Or who. Like (cough cough Lucius cough cough) Malfoy.

James

POTTER!!!!!!!

Lily

**Thoughts of the "Smart One"**

Well, I'm a little leery about the whole "locked-door-in-the-hospital" thing. Thanks a lot, guys. You really screw things up.

Classes are pretty good, I guess. I'm not really alone in any of them. Lily and I are Transfiguration partners, and I got to watch James fumble while Sirius turned the Silencing Charm on Rissa by accident when James jostled his elbow. She wasn't very happy about it, I'd say.

Incidentally, that might be why she's not speaking to you, Sirius. And I don't mean because she's still under the Silencing Charm.

I'll be there to cheer you both on at Quidditch tomorrow, alright? As long as you lay off tonight and let me finish these essays!

And yes, I will bring a book. Rissa just lent me _Social Darwinism Through the Ages, _which she believes may clear up a few things about your behavior.

I need to wrap this up now. I feel like I might be sick for a few days after tryouts, so I want to get my work done. I still need to start on my Potions essay.

_**Comments Posted:**_

Sorry Remus! We forgot about how you get sick all of the time. And it's rude to bring a book.

James

Why wouldn't she be speaking to me, then? It was an accident! And how can you know you're going to be sick in advance?

Sirius

Because he starts feeling sickish a few days before. DUH.

Kailinn

Ooh, the Potions essay? I can't believe Slughorn assigned us a two-foot-long scroll on the properties of ground moonstones in conjunction with bezoars. I swear he's just trying to make Lily look good. And you're definitely right, Kailinn.

Remus

He is not!

Lily

Of course he is. Remus, I'm sure Lily would be happy to help.

Rissa

No she wouldn't! And besides, Remus, you can't do that now! We need your help to get back at Snivellus!

James

No way. I will NOT be roped into another of your pranks.

Remus

Party pooper.

Sirius

I'm proud of you, Remus.

Lily

**Rissa's Fragmented Recollections After the … INCIDENT**

Well, everyone, I hereby do my sacred duty as part of the Hogwarts gossip train by informing you all that, on the word of an unimpeachable authority, the Hogwarts Confidential will be releasing its first issue of the new school year tomorrow. Copies will be delivered at dinner after the Gryffindor tryouts, and donations, as always, can be deposited by any of the portraits on the fourth-floor gallery.

James, I'd start heading for the border if I were you. Or at least for Muggle London. And possibly transferring to Beauxbatons or Durmstrang.

Yes, James, they KNOW. You are doomed.

Thank you, Remus, for relating the whole Silencing Charm incident. It saves me the time and trouble, also, of not having to tell Sirius that I'm not speaking to him. Which, after all, he must have wanted, considering he cracked up when I started to yell at him but couldn't and started clutching my throat. I'm not the happiest with you over that, James, either. The warning was only out of professional interest.

And everyone should stop giving Remus such a hard time. Really. It's just rude. Are you ever allowed to comment when _girls_ have certain times of the month?

Seriously. Maybe his favorite aunt died or an unborn sibling died around this time and whenever he can he goes to visit their grave. But you wouldn't respect his privacy and just keep prying.

Ahem. Anyway.

Woke up from another nightmare (yes, one concerning the INCIDENT) last night and finished the rest of my homework for the week. I have to say insomniac tendencies do come in handy for distraction-free homework. Though not so much when Kailinn threw her dresser lamp in the direction of my bed and caused the hangings to come tearing down. It's a really good thing that I wasn't using a candle instead of a flashlight …

_**Comments Posted:**_

Seriously?!?!?! They got ahold of it so soon?!?!?!?!

James

It hasn't exactly been concealed, James. You knew it was coming.

Rissa

I still don't get why you won't talk to me! Oh, and James, sucks to be you. My sympathy.

Sirius

Yeah!!!! It's really too bad, James!!!!!

Peter

Thanks for the warning and the stand-up, Rissa. Do you know if there's … anything else … that we would need to be concerned about?

Remus

No. Positive. No need to worry, unless you're that deeply concerned about the future of James.

Rissa

Thanks again.

Remus

Well, at least I'm finally going to find out! How do you always know these things, anyway? Why is this "unimpeachable source"?!?

Lily

Someone that cannot be revealed. Someone who likes to keep an eye on the goings-on in the school as much as I do.

Rissa

Don't tell me you know _THE EDITOR._

Lily

Do you? Seriously?

Kailinn

How should I know? It's a deadly secret. It's against the rules to ever, ever reveal the secret identity of _THE EDITOR._

Rissa

Why do people say his name like that?

Sirius

Yeah, I've always wondered.

Peter

Apparently you were more lacking in the rudiments than we realized.

James

You see, he/she's called _THE EDITOR_ to distinguish from the Junior and Senior Editors of the _official_ newspaper …

Remus

And, of course, to denote his godly though invisible role in the Hogwarts gossip chain. All speak of him in reverence.

James

Him/her.

Lily

Whatever. Care to go out with me?

James

No.

Lily

That reminds me, Lily, will you interview Sirius tomorrow, too?

Rissa

Wait – you want ME to face SIRIUS?!?!?!? I assumed the Senior Editor told YOU to take the job.

Lily

He just said to divide it equally. Besides, I can't exactly interview him when we aren't speaking.

Rissa

_**I**_ have to interview Potter.

Lily

Besides, I am too speaking to you!!!!

Sirius

But _I'm _not speaking to _you._ And that's fine, Lily, Hattie Banks has agreed to cover it. There is no way I'm interviewing James.

Rissa

You are so mean.

Lily

You're welcome to find someone else to take it, like I did.

Rissa

AUGH!!!!!!!! NO ONE BLOODY _**WILL**_**!!!!!!!!!!**

Lily

Well, I didn't ACTUALLY say anyone would take it. You two are far too entertaining.

Rissa

AUGH!!!!!!!!!!

Lily

**The Very Secret Diary of Hogwart's Most Cosmopolitan Girl**

I can't wait for tomorrow. I'm going to be snapping pictures of the tryouts – and probably during the interviews, too. I'm nervous because I hardly ever got to use the camera last year.

Zach thinks all do fine, but he always says that. Somehow I don't think my picture-taking is what he's really talking about.

Boys, honestly.

Bored already with classes and swamped with homework – almost wish it was summer again. Less friends, actual time. Balances itself out nicely.

No offense, everyone.

G'night.

_**Comments Posted: **_

I'm sure you'll do fine; trust me! And … seeing as you're up so late ..

Zachariah

I'll be right there.

Kailinn

**A Warning From **_**The Editor**_

Our issue will shortly be dropping onto your dinner table, rife with the latest and greatest gossip.

No need to thank your valiant reporters, journalists, and excellent sleuths, whose names must remain undisclosed for fear of injury, punishment, and/or death. We beg from you the sincerest apology.

Enjoy.

_**Comments Posted:**_

**COMMENTS HAVE BEEN DISALLOWED.**

**JAMES POTTER'S VERY SECRET DIARY**

Well, today it all came crashing down. WHY DID THAT STUPID MAGAZINE HAVE TO DO THIS TO ME?!?!?!?! _**WHY**__**?!?!?!?!?!?!?!**_

The day started out decently enough, at any rate.

Lily had to interview me before tryouts, which were at ten, so she came down early to breakfast. I'd let Sirius sleep in late, so it was just the two of us.

Very romantic. But I suppose that's all ruined now.

Well, anyway, she had her really cute 'I'm-trying-not-to-bloody-snap-and-kill-you' face on, so of course I asked her out. She broke my heart again (1054th time). Then took a couple of deep breaths (muttering "I hate James Potter … I hate James Potter …" which, I can tell you, was hurtful) and started in with the questions.

So, by talking a lot, I managed to draw the interview out until everyone else came down for breakfast. Go me! And then Kailinn came down and took some good interview pictures, several of which involved Lily looking at me like she was actually interested in what I had to say, which was nice.

Tryouts, of course, were great. Sirius and I made a killing. Even though his game was a bit off, because, y'know, he'd been all set to be interviewed by Rissa and when he'd asked her for good luck in the morning she looked right through him as if he didn't exist. That would be enough to put me right off my kipper, too.

I was so pumped about making the team that I practically forgot about the _Issue_ that was being delivered at dinner, so of course I didn't think to skip it.

Bad decision, James. Trust you to always make the bad decision.

It was on the front page. The bloody front page.

'JAMES POTTER – HAVING A BIT TOO MUCH FUN WITH SOMEONE ELSE'S UNDERWEAR?' _That_ was what the title said. On the front page was a picture of me on the bed clutching Lily's green panties, which, funnily enough, were the same ones I was using at the INCIDENT.

Hmm. I wonder.

So the article went on to detail even worse things: how I'd take her dirty underthings from the house-elves so they still smelled like her and pretend it was her I was kissing, how I stole her bed-linens and even her pillow, how I'd paid various people to throughout the year keep snapping photos – they might as well have called it 'STALKER EXCLUSIVE.' They also mentioned how her robes wound up hidden underneath my bed and even in-between the covers.

Basically, everything. Lily let out this funny sort of scream when she saw it, and before she had even finished the article she had screamed something about a violation of personal space and human decency and run out tearing at her hair. Rissa and Kailinn followed, but I noticed a certain one managed to grab a few copies of the dreaded issue on her way out. I'm positive Rissa had something to do with this.

So now I'm in disgrace. I've got detention for two months. And seventy girls have come up to me in the Common Room and practically begged me to stalk them that way.

Wait a second. I think Lily's finally stopped screaming.

_**Comments Posted:**_

Yes, she has. If you come up here I'll kill you. Now she's down to muttering. And I did warn you that if you refused to keep playing with fire you'd get burned.

Rissa

What's _that_ supposed to mean?

Sirius

That if he didn't stop doing what he was doing eventually something bad would come of it.

Remus

Oh. I guess that's true.

Sirius

Is she okay?

James

No. When I was warning you earlier, did I forget to mention that she has mild obsessive-compulsive problems, and that's why she has to follow the rules and get perfect grades?

Rissa

Uh-oh …

James

What's obsessive-compulsive disorder? And why does Lily have it?

Sirius

Listen, Sirius, come over here and I'll explain …

Remus

**Rissa's Fragmented Recollections After the … INCIDENT**

Well, it happened. Thanks to a certain person I am legally not allowed to mention.

I admit I may have SLIGHTLY miscalculated as to how Lily would take it.

I thought she would just get all frantic and scream at Potter.

I didn't think she would just start screaming, period.

Okay … she's stopped. Now she's just muttering "unclean, unclean."

I guess he has been stealing both her robes and linen on a regular basis and practically rubbing himself up against him.

And I mean ALL parts of himself. Which is what I walked in on, in the summer.

I'm going to go over and comfort her …

Calm down, Lily. We can go to Hogsmeade and get you all new clothes, all new everything. We can order the house-elves to not let him have your stuff. You can go have a nice clean shower – you know about how easy it is for fresh skin to regenerate – and then we'll go get you some new, DISPOSABLE things. Enough for the entire school year without wearing the same. Potter'll pay for it.

No. I'LL be the one touching his filthy money. There's no need to get hysterical, Lily. It's going to be all right.

Okay. She went into the shower. I suppose sneaking out of school at night is a small price to pay for cleanliness and future security.

Pay up, Potter. You know you owe her.

_**Comments Posted:**_

I know. I'm not even going to ask when you stopped calling me James.

James

Good.

Rissa

Um, she wants me to get her another bar of soap for the shower … should I give it to her?

Kailinn

Yes.

Rissa

Sirius, you cannot come up here. Tell James the same.

Rissa

**An Account of My Days at Hogwarts**

Unclean … not clean. Unclean. Unclean.

I am unclean.

Bloody Merlin, James Potter has been STEALING AND FONDLING my underwear.

I am appalled.

I am shocked.

I am horrified.

I was nearly catatonic.

I am now much better restored thanks to a trip to Hogsmeade on his filthy money and some blessedly CLEAN clothes. Rissa, I forgive you for keeping it a secret.

James Potter, I shall never forgive you. You sick. Twisted bastard.

Ew.

Notcleannotcleannotcleannotcleannotclean …

I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter. I hate James Potter.

Okay. That's better.

Bloody Merlin, how I hate you, James Potter. I will NEVER go out with you.

Never, ever, ever.

_**Comments Posted:**_

**COMMENTS HAVE BEEN DISABLED.**

**A Message from **_**The Editor**_

All formal and official apologies due to Miss Lily Marie Evans. I assure you, we had no intention to cause such harm.

Incidentally, we applaud your new wardrobe. Though we see no reason for the 200 pairs of granny panties.

But we digress.

And, James Potter, don't think this has been your last secret to be plastered upon the front page of your most esteemed magazine.

_**Comments Posted:**_

**COMMENTS HAVE BEEN DISABLED.**

**--**

**A/N: Done. I hope you weren't too put out about not having more people discover the incident. The next chapter shall be up as soon as I think of it. Review if you can, and thanks to those who already did.**

**- N**


	3. The Great Tree's Reign of Terror

**A/N: Third installment up and ready. Expect this as the regular update rate. Love to all my reviewers/readers, especially sums96 and FarmQueen, for giving intelligent and helpful reviews every chapter. **

**And guessing. I'm afraid I can't tell you anything just yet …**

**Disclaimer: Hi, Fawkes. Nice to see you, Dumbledore.**

**Fawkes: "…"**

**Dumbledore: "Ah, yes. Our school's most recent unexplained visitor. I do hope you know we habe a policy against journalists?"**

**I'm a crime scene specialist. Seriously. I just need you to tell me if you recognize this woman.**

**Dumbledore: "Can't say I do. Why? Was she murdered?"**

**Well, um, maybe …**

**--**

**The Dissertations of the Half-Blood Prince**

Had frightening nightmare the other day, my first night down in the dungeons. In it I was old and sallow and greasy-haired, a teacher at Hogwarts – the _Potions Master, _if you can believe it, taking over for that old git Slughorn – and there was some little brat that looked just like Potter present. He had Lily's eyes … the sight made me sick to my stomach.

Anyway, I disappeared out of the dream right after that and he picked up a Potions textbook, and Slughorn was back – I may need to reign in my subconscious. The Potter brat kept peering in his textbook. At first I didn't understand the significance, not until I peered over his shoulder – and saw the writing in the margins. MY handwriting, albeit a good deal smudged and faded. And the Potter boy was USING them. He was being congratulated! Commended! Praised for being "just like his mother"!

And all because of ME and my bloody book! Then he, a red-headed git that definitely looked like a Weasley, and some bushy-haired Mudblooded girl started discussing WHO I WAS. As if they'd never heard of the Prince! The Mudblood even tried to suggest I was a bloody GIRL!

Also saw Lucius lurking outside the first year dormitories with a can of whipped cream and a bottle of chocolate syrup, but somehow don't think that part was a dream.

Tried to comfort Lily after I read the Hogwarts Confidential and found out what James was doing to her things (wish I'd thought of it myself – the sodding fool couldn't have properly appreciated them). She didn't appreciate me talking about how he'd been fondling her panties. Started muttering "unclean…unclean" again, funnily enough.

Rissa shooed me off, and I swear my hair hasn't stopped oozing dandruff since. Like bloody snow, and it's making it near impossible to read anything. I found a cure, finally, but it makes my hair even darker and greasier-looking. I'm hoping to cure that rather persistent side-effect.

I never even saw the little whore hex me. Must have got me in the back. But I didn't hear anything either, so how?

Still trying to finish homework. Never know when I'll be paying an unexpected visit to the hospital.

_**Comments Posted: **_

Like, say, RIGHT NOW?

Sirius

Hey! Sevvy, you said that if I showed you what they were used for you wouldn't tell anyone …

Lucius

I am a Prefect, you know.

Lucius

I didn't tell anyone.

Severus

But you posted it on your diary!

Lucius

Which is my DIARY!

Severus

That everyone can read and comment on!

Lucius

Hey, can we get back to my INNOCENT THREATS OF DEATH HERE?!?!?!

Sirius

Innocent? I believe you mean imminent, Black.

Severus

Why would I mean that?

Sirius

Because 'innocent' means 'pure, clean, harmless' and 'imminent' means 'immediate.' I should have supposed you wouldn't have known that.

Severus

What do you mean by that?!? And I DID mean innocent! 'Innocent' as in 'don't-notice-me-creeping-up-behind-you-with-a-wand-about-to-hex-you-into-oblivion'! I didn't mean imminent at all!!!

Sirius

I should think you did, Black. And thank you for blowing your own cover.

Severus

Stay STILL, you bloody bastard!!!

Sirius

Hardly.

Severus

Why, you …

Sirius

Hate to cut into the enlightening discourse, good fellows, but it occurs to me that certain people think themselves safe. Perhaps certain greasy-haired fellows and 'innocent' charmers should remember that everyone has secrets.

_The Editor_

What's that supposed to mean?

Sirius

Nothing good, Black. What do you think?

Severus

That I just hit you with furnuculus?

Sirius

You are going to pay.

Severus

**JAMES POTTER'S VERY SECRET DIARY**

Had my first Quidditch practice today. Bloody grueling, I tell you. I don't know what we're going to do if we're already practicing three times a week this early in the season.

At least the team looks good. Glad to see we haven't all gotten rusty over the summer. Even though when Rissa went by to the groundskeepers' hut for some sort of extra-credit assignment Sirius hit the Bludger the wrong way and it nearly caved my skull in.

I never thought I'd say this, but I really, really hope my best female friend at Hogwarts doesn't decide to come to our match. Because when she's there Sirius forgets to aim his Bludgers at the other side.

Had the most disturbing dream last night. Switched bodies with Lily and she was so bloody prickish about it that I didn't even get to see anything. At least I got to have her flunk all her classes and make life hell.

But she went to my Quidditch practice and called the Quaffle a _waffle. _

Bloody Merlin. I am so, so glad it was all a dream.

Must. Forget. Emotionally. Scarring. Changing. Tampons. Why couldn't the girl have at least had _pads?!?!_

Oooo-kay. I so did not just think that. I'm still almost thinking like a GIRL.

Sirius! Quick! Let's go ditch dinner to go to the kitchens and scheme about some hopelessly immature and boyish prank!

I bet _Sirius_ never has to worry about these things.

_**Comments Posted: **_

You're right there, mate. I don't have dreams when I go to bed and wake up in my crush's body … though it might be fun. I could touch Rissa all over – and make her profess undying love to me!

Sirius

Only to be hexed and rejected by your own body. Of course, no one would miss it if I threw it off the Astronomy Tower …

Rissa

First my clothes and now my BODY?!?!?! What are you, Potter, the world's best stalker? LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!

Lily

Listen, Evans, that is one of my rather more chaste dreams, just so you know! And I'm not a bloody stalker!!!!!!!!! I just happen to like you, okay?!?!?! Is that so wrong?

James

YES!!!!!!!!!

Lily

Rissa, you're so mean … don't worry, I still love you …

Sirius

I'm mean? You basically said that you'd like to humiliate and molest me. Such the epitome of sainthood.

Rissa

It's only what any normal boy would have done!

Sirius

YES THAT IS BLOODY WELL WRONG POTTER!!!!!!!! HOW DO YOU THINK PEOPLE FEEL WHEN YOU INVADE THEIR PRIVACY, REGARDLESS OF HOW MUCH YOU LIKE THEM?!?!?!?!

Lily

I'm sorry, okay?!?!?! It was just a dream I had! I didn't come over here BEGGING for you to read it!

James

Well you posted it on your PUBLIC diary!

Lily

Because I thought it was interesting! Not because I bloody well wanted you to look at it!

James

YOU KNOW I READ IT!!!!!!!!!! Besides, you shouldn't be dreaming things like that in the first place! And you DEFINITELY shouldn't be stealing my clothes!

Lily

I returned them!

James

WITH YOUR FILTHY _**SWEAT**_ ON THEM!!!!!!!

Lily

I said I'm bloody sorry!

James

I'm glad to know my opinion of the male race has been far too generous. I shall correct it in the future.

Rissa

Stop being such a jerk!

Sirius

Stop being such an insensitive pig!

Rissa

WELL, I DON'T ACCEPT YOUR BLOODY APOLOGY!!!!!!!!!!

Lily

WHO SAID I WANTED YOU TO!!!!!!

James

YOU DID, YOU BLOODY IDIOT!!!!!!!

Lily

I am not an insensitive pig!!!!!!

Sirius

You said that all guys' dream was to humiliate and bed a girl!

Rissa

I DID NOT!!!!!!!! Besides, it was a joke!

Sirius

I NEVER SAID THAT!!!!!! I ONLY APOLOGIZED BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT WAS BLOODY POLITE!!!!!!!!!

James

WELL I DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT!!!!!!!!!!

Lily

Sirius, I am deigning to tell you that I am, once again, no longer speaking to you.

Rissa

Rissa, go to hell.

Sirius

WELL THEN I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU!!!!!!!!!

James

I CERTAINLY DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU EITHER!!!!!!!! Oh, and Sirius, Rissa wants to tell you that it would mean being within less than seven mile's distance of YOU, and so she would have to decline. And she's still not speaking to you.

Lily

FINE!!!!!!!!!

James

FINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sirius

FINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lily

Um, am I missing something?

Remus

Yes.

Peter

**The Very Secret Diary of Hogwart's Most Cosmopolitan Girl**

Okay. I'm holing up in one of the empty classrooms with Remus and Peter. The corridor is quiet, I think.

Oh. Sorry. I suppose no one's had much time to post the last few days, during THE ONSLAUGHT.

So I'll start at the beginning. I wasn't there at the time (much more interested in the second-floor closet, I hope you're reading this, Zachariah Trayson) but later, from Remus, I heard how it started.

I'd get him to tell you, but he's trying to fix Peter's shoulder. Apparently he ran afoul of one of the screaming toilets.

What? OH. Ow. Poor guy.

And then one of the blood-sucking scorpions, which had been riding the toilet, latched on to his wound and so now it's also poisoned.

It makes me think of how lucky I am.

Oh, yes. How it started. So Lily and James, of course, were in the West Wing Corridor, arguing (nearly all Hogwarts stories seem to start that way), and the started screaming and then throwing hexes. Well two or three managed to hit the ceiling, which made it turn fluorescent purple and start oozing some sort of lurid pink goo, and then Peeves came swooping by and dropped a toilet in the path of another, which Remus says he thinks was supposed to make Lily's hair stand on end (obviously it backfired), and one of the Slytherins shot something at James that he ducked, which hit one of the suits of armor, which sprouted giant fangs and a set of wings and started going after girls, and then Sirius and Rissa started arguing, which meant that soon THEY were throwing hexes, too, and one hit the Gryffindor table, which caused it to turn into a giant tree and sink down roots, becoming symbiotic with the ceiling-fungus, while somehow a bowl of cherries mixed with bacon got fused into mutant blood-sucking scorpions, and half of the people in the Hall started screaming and running everywhere, and that was when we found out if the fungus gets in your open mouth your hair falls out and you run everywhere singing 'I Know A Song That Gets On Everybody's Nerves' backwards at the top of your lungs, as well as sprouting these sort of odd protrusions that eventually started to wrap the affected people up and leave them on the floor as cocoons for food for the tree and ceiling –

And, oh, the most hilarious thing. Snape was reading when it started, and when the rest of the school started panicking his book fell into a bowl of porridge that hopped across the table to a plate of cold eggs, which fused with each other and started eating the rest of the dishes and turning each bit of waste into a deadly potion or substance.

Oh, wait, that's not hilarious. I was going to talk about the part where one of the toilets – they'd multiplied by then, and the tree was barring the doors – swooped under him and carried him, screaming, up to the ceiling and shoved him into it. Probably to be slowly digested. I remember Sirius taking a brief break from screaming his head off to comment, 'Hey, Snivelly, don't you know it's polite to pull down your _pants _before you go to the bathroom?'

So, some good things and some bad things. Not to mention what happened to the rest of the school –

There's a knock at the door. Please don't let it be one of the suits of armor or the enchanted robes. Please don't let it be one of the tree roots or the mobile hunter cells of the Great Ceiling –

It's workers from the Ministry! Who are even now working with the teachers to clear the school out and restore students! WE'RE SAVED!!!!!!!

_**Comments Posted:**_

_**No comments.**_

**Thoughts of the "Smart One"**

Okay, if that had been intentional it would have been the greatest prank in Hogwarts history. As it was, everyone is now giving the Cataclysm-Bringers a very wide berth. That's their new nickname, by the way.

Sirius keeps complaining about it, unhappy about his lessened status and four months of detention. He was one of the first people to start forming over into a pod because he'd still been arguing with Rissa when the slime started dropping, so he really ought to be grateful the one of the Aurors got to him in time. Nearly became part of Hogwarts.

As for me, I was lucky enough to escape beneath the Ravenclaw table and grab Peter – we made it out of the Great Hall before the tree, the toilets, and the suits of armor started blocking the passages and escaped down the corridor into the most desolate, sanest part of the school we could find. In a while Kailinn came and joined us. Poor girl; her hair looked like it had narrowly escaped being eaten alive by one of the mincemeat pies.

Literally, in this case. I swear we'll wake up nad find out this is all just a dream.

So anyway the school's _mostly_ back to normal, but they still need to finish replanting the tree (somewhere in the forest, Hagrid convinced them not to kill it) and get us a new House table, not to mention the teachers are having quite a job of trying to re-enchant the ceiling. Lily and James have no idea what they used on it, of course. We're all confined to the Common Rooms, with the exception of Quidditch practice of course. It's a bloody Saturday, too; they just _had_ to have a bloody blowout on a Friday afternoon, didn't they? The third years and up have been taking every opportunity to glare bloody daggers.

Of course, none of the ones _actually responsible_ are here, being serving one of their now many detentions. So we get all the glares.

At least it's only the crescent moon.

Wait – hey, Kailinn, what's with all the owls? What are they carrying?

_**Comments Posted:**_

Um, it looks like more Hogwarts Confidential Issues … ohmygod, look.

Kaitlinn

What?

Remus

At the front page.

Kaitlinn

Why? …Oh.

Remus

Exclusive Coverage of the Valiant and Victims, Courtesy of the LJ Catastrophe. Look – there's a picture of James and Lily, arguing with the Gryffindor Tree in the background while something flies over head. How do they GET these pictures?

Kailinn

Look inside. They've got an exclusive of the Many Mishaps to Befall Severus Snape. Which includes some rather sharp jibes about his skin and hair care.

Remus

Cool! Ooh, look at the pictures … that looks painful. The food took turns attacking him while he was dangling from the ceiling? Like a piñata?

Kailinn

Apparently so.

Remus

Ouch.

Kailinn

I'm not too worried about him, somehow.

Remus

No, I was thinking about the food. I fell so sorry for it to have been disenchanted, after providing a community service. It deserves a medal.

Kailinn

Have to agree with you there.

Remus

**A Message From **_**The Editor**_

Well, I'm assuming that by this time you all have been graced with our latest issue. Donations same place, any time. Anyone who has dirt is free to see us; every friend of a friend knows how to get in touch.

Lucius Malfoy, I trust you like that article we did detailing your little "Potions Club." So sorry to hear that the Headmaster had to shut it down.

Severus Snape, we bid you find a zit cream that says REMOVES zits. You were using a rather dangerous self-tanner.

James Potter and Lily Evans, of course, you can hardly be surprised at our coverage. Though I'm not sure you'd have time to read it, in detention. We sent you a personally addressed copy.

Thank you for being a bountiful supply of interesting occurrences.

_**Comments Posted:**_

**COMMENTS HAVE BEEN DISALOWED.**

**Diary of the Person with the MOST AMAZING FRIENDS EVER!!!!!!!!!!!**

Well, sort of. After all, two of my friends did just nearly destroyed the school. But they nearly died for it and have a lot of detention, so that's okay, I guess. Also, Remus got me out! Thanks!!!!!

GUESS WHAT EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!! I'VE GOT A DATE!!!!!!!!!

You see, it's this third-year girl who asked me out, and her name's Mary-Jane-Sue and she has the most sparkling shoes and eyes and hair … which might be from all the glitter and jeweled barrettes she puts in it …

She's so pretty and nice …

But hah, Sirius and James! I got my first date before you did!

_**Comments Posted:**_

Peter, you little bugger, come over here and let me wrap my arms around your neck and give you a squeeze of congratulations … I'M SAVING MY FIRST DATE FOR RISSA!!!!!!

Sirius

Congratulations, Peter! I hope you have a great time – where did you say you were going?

Remus

Um … a picnic by the lake …

Peter

I'll skip my Hogsmeade weekend just for you, Petey-poo!!! ; )

Mary-Jane

Um …

Remus

Can't say I'm jealous.

James

Can't say I'm sure she's sane.

Sirius

But she IS hot …

James

YOU TWO ARE SUCH SPINELESS INSENSITIVE HYPOCRITES!!!!!

Lily

Sheesh, Lils, no need to take it so hard …

James

DON'T TAKE THAT BLOODY TONE WITH ME POTTER!!!!!! YOU'RE THE REASON I'M CURRENTLY SITTING IN DETENTION!!!!

Lily

Which you two shouldn't be using computers in …

Minerva

Oh, um, I'm very sorry, Professor …

Lily

Suck-up.

James

That will be another week of detention for YOU, Mr. Potter.

Minerva

Aw, man!

James

Serves you right.

Lily

Computers. NOW!!!!!!

Minerva

**The Chronicles of Chronic DETENTION**

Well, I figured since THE INCIDENT are all exposed and passé already, I should change my blog title. Time to move on.

As you can see, detention is my new problem.

I got off lightly, considering. Only two weeks' worth of punishment. And I only got that because Dumbledore knows that I had private summer study and was responsible for some of the more "advanced curses."

I wasn't going to actually HIT Sirius with the flesh-eating acid torrent curse. Honestly. If he was ugly I'd have to expend even more of my valuable pity onto him.

Lucius, stop ranting. Seriously. It's been four hours into your supervision of our detention, and you've taken a total of seventy-three heaving breaths.

Twenty-three words to each approximate exhale. I can't describe HOW bored I've been.

At least the article in the paper came out well … the school-wide destruction didn't hit the printing press. And I've got my next assignment.

Want to guess what it is? Interviewing various students about the Great Tree's Reign of Terror.

That's what they're calling it now. It was that or the Night of the Living Ceiling, but people didn't really want to dwell on that part. Too many painful memories. And embarrassing ones.

"Hey, don't laugh! I nearly got eaten by that ceiling!"

Yeah … right.

I've heard rumors drifting around that there's some plot to lock James and Lily in a spelled closet and make them work their differences out, or perhaps in the Quidditch shed by the lake. I advise you against it STRONGLY.

They will not reconcile. And when they get out they will come for you.

_**Comments Posted:**_

Thank you for the warning, Rissa. I was reading it while the people were just creeping up. TAKE THAT, YOU CRETINS!!!!

Lily

Aw. Did you have to warn her?

James

If you didn't want a repeat of the Great Tree's Reign of Terror, yes. Besides, do you really want Lily loose in the broomshed?

Rissa

Dear Lord, no … bloody Merlin …

James

Exactly.

Rissa

Interviews from the students … intriguing idea. Write up whatever you can't say to a teacher about it and post it at the third floor statue of the ticwh, behind the hollow segment. Ask one of the portraits to show you if you aren't sure.

We need details about the affected parties. AND the creatures. Pictures helpful. Also, if the Cataclysmic Couple would like to give their views …

I rather like the sound of '101 Reasons James Potter's a Slimy Git.' Or Severus Snape. Or why Miss Lily Evans is disliked by her peers.

You know where to put it all.

_The Editor_

NO, we bloody well don't! What in bloody hell is a 'ticwh'?!?!? And WHY can't you leave us all bloody well ALONE?!!?!?!

Sirius

It's an anagram, Sirius. For 'witch.'

Remus

We'd also like to run a list of ways to kidnap Sirius Black, hog-tie him, and have your way with him anywhere in Hogwarts … girls interested, feel free to post and/or sign up.

_The Editor_

Bloody bastard.

Sirius

I know! You could tell him that McGonagall wants him, lead him into a shadowy corridor, have one of your friends waiting to stun him, tie him up before he wakes and levitate him up to the Astronomy Tower … and then you could feed him some Love Potion …

Gloria

Um …

Sirius

Keep my name OUT of this! And kidnapping and molesting students is highly forbidden!

Minerva

Now, Minnie, let the kids have their fun …

Albus

ALBUS!!!!!!!!!

Minerva

--

**A/N: And there's the chapter. Now come the reviews, unless you'd like to switch up the order next time. **

**Questions will be answered if the answers aren't spoilers. Anyone interested in seeing the going-to-Hogwarts-first-year scene in one of the next few chapters (interestingly enough, it also concerns **_**The Editor.**_**) should tell me, because it'll probably be there. I'm looking to wrap second year up soon so we can get on to the whole werewolf/illegal Animagi/Evans-Potter thing. And, of course, Hogsmeade/Invisibility Cloak/Marauder's Map.**

**Hope you enjoyed.**

**-N**


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